The Goblin Prince and the New Outhouse

There once was a small village founded around a copse of trees.

From this small forest the villagers took a surprising amount of wood to build their houses, carts, plow frames and anything else they had need of.

The villagers also dug a latrine in the middle of the forest, so that they may rid themselves of things they had no need of anymore in private.

In this small forest lived a small goblin prince, and he found this situation quite delightful. He had quite a many trees, so thought nothing of exchanging it for the daily visits by humans, and being a very young goblin, he found the idea of various body eliminations quite humorous and delightful.

And so it went on, the young goblin continued to make the forest thrive and provide wood, as well as watching over the villagers at some of their most vulnerable moments. He made sure animals didn't dig up their latrine pit, or bring disease to it. In exchange, he occasionally pushed people into the latrine when they least expected it, or would smudge their fine linens in places they were unlikely to notice.

These jokes made the goblin laugh and laugh, and he thought it a fair trade for the bounty and prosperity his woods had brought them.

One day, while the goblin was enjoying a sleep atop the latrine, a carpenter with a load of wood from another forest happened upon the town, and heard their tales of evacuous woe. He immediately offered his services to build them a small outhouse atop the latrine, so that they may no longer accidentally foul themselves or their clothes.

The village was unianimous in their support, so the carpenter wheeled his cart out to the latrine to begin his work immediately. And not seeing the patron of the small forest amidst the muck and filth he began his construction atop the sleeping prince. He was a skillful in his trade, and easily finished before the goblin prince awoke.

The goblin prince woke up confused and frightened. He found himself in some sort of dark cage fashioned of foreign wood, which he was forbidden by vow to touch. He was terribly frightened, and when a little girl came to try the new latrine, opened the door letting in light it startled him greatly.

But he was not the only one who was startled, the littler girl, not expecting a howl from the new toilet was equally startled and she fled crying, leaving the door ajar. Seeing his way out, the goblin prince deftly leapt up through the hole in the latrine and out the door.

While scaring the girl was kind of funny, the goblin could not help feeling hurt at the perceived treachery of the townspeople, and so he set off to visit his father for advice.

He traveled 3 days and nights to his father's deep forest, which was so vast and untamed that the humans around it would whisper warnings not to venture too far in lest they never return. But to the goblin prince it was a warm and inviting place and he knew the name of nearly every tree there.

At last he reached the middle, and after relaying the story to his father, his father issued advice.

"It seems they have lost respect for you son, perhaps you should give them a reminder of whence their fortune comes?"

"But how am I too do that father?", asked the little goblin.

"Take a deep breath of the air from the middle of my forest, and do not release it until you reach yours vassals. It shall remind them of the horror that could be were we not so kind."

The goblin thanked his father for the advice, and after taking the deepest of breaths of the moist earthen air, he began running back home, the air so comfortable in his lungs he felt no need to exhale it.

It was deepest midnight by the time the goblin prince returned to his hamlet, his face was nearly purple from having held his breath for three days, as he had stretched the sustaining power of the breath for ever so long.

And he had only barely made it to the outer most house in the village before the air squeezed its way out of him.

A great roar, as if the very island they stood on was the belly of an enormous bear came forth out of the goblin prince's mouth. The little girl who was at the latrine awoke first, and she was so frightened that she screamed at the top of her lungs. Her mother in the room next door got up to scold her, and to tell her to hush, but instead of stern rebuttals, the mother found she could only scream. She turned towards her husband, who hearing his daughter and wife screaming, and fearing the worse, began screaming as well. Their neighbors, hearing the trio of non-stop screams were startled awake as well, and instead of saying "oh my, what do you think that is about" to one another, only screams came out, which genuinely frightened each other person, until they were both willingly screaming.

It spread rapidly from there, until the entire village was running around outside their houses, all issuing terrified screams about how none of them seemed able to do anything but scream.

It was at this point, that the little girl got it in her head that all of this must have been caused by the new outhouse, that it was clearly haunted by a wicked spirit doing this to them, and she began gesturing to the other adults to follow her.

Eager to follow anyone who may know what was going on, the village followed the little girl, screaming uncontrollably all the way.

When they arrived at the latrine, the little girl began trying to push it over, but was too small. Several of the other children came to her aide, but it was still not enough, for the carpenter was clever and did honest work. Finally all the adults joined in, and together with them pushing they managed to topple the outhouse over, smashing it down upon a large rock, shattering its timbers to splinters.

Of course, in the process of doing this, nearly the entire town had fallen head first into the pit beneath the latrine. Which delighted the goblin prince enough, that he immediately lifted his father's curse upon them, so that they might retunr home and get some rest.

The forest continued to provide all the wood the town needed, and the next carpenter who offered to build them an outhouse was run straight out of town.

The End.