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Hatchet Job

So I've shown my son the original Star Wars trilogy, and am wondering what to do about the prequels. I read about "Hatchet Order" which recommends just showing II and III (skipping I entirely).

So I decided to screen II before to see if it is appropriate for my son, here are some of my notes taken while watching the second prequel movie:

Oh wow, it is named "Attack of the Clones", I forgot about that. I remember hearing that was the title and believing it was some sort of mistake until I actually saw it on the big screen.

Second words of the scroll "There is unrest in the Galactic Senate", now I remember why I never bothered rewatching this...

I honestly don't even know if this is the one where Obiwan rides a climbing lizard for like an hour.

The opening shots seem too slick, no grit, Amedala's transport coming in through the clouds looks like a shot out of "Sky Captain and the World of Tomorrow."

First thing that happens is her ship lands, than explodes seemingly *from the inside*. You know a more dangerous place to blow up a ship? When it is still in space.

We're supposed to be shocked, except that Lucas forgot to humanize the people on the ship before exploding them to death.

Next scene, Jedis sitting in a meeting with Palpatine, I'm already bored. I keep expecting Mace Windu to say "but Emperor, please look at this powerpoint I made about how there aren't enough Jedis to protect The Republic".

In an elevator, Anakin reminds us it has been ten years, despite nobody other than Anakin looking different.

Now we have a weird horror movie scene with poisonous cenepedes being released into a dark room where Amedala is sleeping. Seems utterly foreign to the original film's vocabulary.

Then Obiwan dives out a window at a drone. Exciting Fifth Element hover chase scene ensues. If you don't like it, don't worry, there is a very similar one in the next movie.

Guh, the scene is still going on, and making less sense as it does. All told it is about a 7 minute, frenetic action scene, or about two music videos in length.

They are in a bar now, and while there are some fun callbacks Mos Eisley, the plot makes no sense. The changeling assassin, instead of disappearing into the crowd, decides to try to sneak up and attempt to publicly murder one of the two Jedis.

Amedala puts Jar Jar in charge, illustrating the same judgement she uses when she falls in love for Anakin.

All of Hayden Christensen's lines so far are delivered flat, regardless of if he is telling a joke, angry or being petulant.

The planet has been removed from the archives, when asked Yoda says "only a Jedi could have deleted it", apparently the Archive is like wikipedia, except without the edit history enabled.

Amedala safely returns to Naboo without advancing the plot. She is regaling us with Naboo's electorial process. Apparently Queens are elected and have term limits, and Galactic Senators are appointed?

The clones are revealed, as are tall aliens who only speak in exposition.

We check back and Anakin and Amedala are kissing for no good reason. Amedala's small talk: "I like the Water"; Later Anakin: "I hate Sand".

Now they're on Tantooine, Anakin rescues his kidnapped and tortured mother, who immediately dies in his arms.

Video game style Droid factory scene, I give up, can't watch this crap.

This is not a Star Wars movie, it is a disposable, forgettable ten year old movie where people incorrectly stare in the direction of annoying CGI characters and akwardly attempt to mime eating CGI food.


2 comments:

Reportedly, kids love the prequels. It is interesting to me that the movies kids love were made after Lucas had kids himself.

Any thoughts on the JJ Abrahms Star Wars movies?
by: Mike (contact) - 07 Mar '14 - 22:55
The prequels also have a lot of just plain unacceptable stuff in them. Like Anakin murdering children.

So far the clone wars cartoon and animated series seem to be the only things worth showing.

I'm cautiously optimistic about JJ Abrahms' version. He's got a lot of great stuff to work with, and knows how to give fans red meat.

I'm hoping his movies do well enough for them to do the Thrwan books afterwards.
by: Kyle (contact) - 15 Mar '14 - 08:24



 




Meta Information:

Title: Hatchet Job
Date posted: 06 Mar '14 - 14:10
Filed under: General
Word Count: 620 words
Good Karma: 65 (vote)
Bad Karma: 43 (vote)
Next entry:  Logic Against Humanity
Previous entry:  Represent

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