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Cinemamancy

So, you all should be proud of me. Not for what I've done, for what I have not done. I have had at least 3 preachy half baked political posts I wanted to make, but I didn't. Being a "blogger" you miss the vital sign of someone's eyes rolling back into their heads which provides that tidy real world clue that you're boring the other person in a sleepy submission.

So, in lieu of political science observations from a man who has never taken a political science course in his life, I shall provide you with movie criticism, from a man who has never taken any sort of media class (but, who made several stunning home movies in his youth).

I saw a trailer for a movie.

At first I thought it was Disney rehashing two of it's older movies, and I was against it. Now that I look more closely, it looks to be Warner Brothers behind it, and now I'm in favor of it. I dislike Disney and the way the mess with copyright laws, so any method which degrades their IP through unholy mixes of rehashed kids movies I am all for.

So studio execs, what follows are three kid friendly frankensteins all ready to be green lit!


The first, of course, has to be "The Dwarf Trap". Done 5 years after Snow White and Prince Charming's messy divorce, the 7 dwarves watch helplessly on as Prince Charming looks set to remarry the evil queen of all people!

The dwarves (all voiced by Hailey Mills) manage to seperate the evil witch in a manner involving an angry bear long enough to rekindle the two's former romance.

Next up: "Freaky Midnight" (title a work in progress). Cinderella's fairy god mother overhears her wish that if her evil step mother only had to do all her chores she'd realize how hard she works and be nicer to her. Well, antics ensue when next morning, bleh, you know what happens.

In the end, and after learning a powerful lesson about how power corrupts, and after undoing the social mixup caused by her mother's cold interactions with the prince, Cinderella does her step mom's hair and they become fast friends, ensuring that the flick will remain an unsubtle stocking stuffer for real life step-mothers desperate for acceptance.

And finally, my favorite amalgamation, DumboTron.

A nerdy kid awith big ear's nightly escape into an online video game is disrupted when mean and wicked hackers at his school deface his online character into the visage of an unsightly elephant with ridiculous ears.

But, when the kid learns to embrace his appearance, both in and off line he ends up winning the respect of everyone, in some really contrived video game tournament related climax.

Ugh, I feel all dirty even coming up with this crap.

4 comments:

Your hatred of Disney wouldn't also be due to their part in a certain radio staion's demise, would it?
by: F.C.C. (contact) - 07 Jul '06 - 17:00
"The Dwarf Trap" couldn't be any worse than any of the other sequels/remakes of "The Parent Trap" and "Snow White".

I think "Freaky Midnight" is the most likely to be green-lighted, with either Anne Hathway playing both Cinderella and her own wicked stepmother, or Julie Andrews playing the wicked stepmother of a younger all-CGI Julie Andrews. It just needs a less porny name, maybe "Freaky Ever After"?

You could probably get Sony (owner of the registered trademark for "Jumbotron") to sponsor "Dumbotron"...
by: Gabe (contact) - 09 Jul '06 - 09:23
I would like to go on a more Adult avenue with this here's what Icame up with:

Beauty and the 101 Beasts
Oliver and the 101 Beasts
Lady and the Aristocrats (that old gag)
Alice in Tarzanland
The many adventures of Lilo and Hercules

All of these are gold.
by: Bad Username (contact) - 20 Jul '06 - 12:22
One more...

The Emperor's New Pooh
by: Bad Username (contact) - 20 Jul '06 - 12:24



 




Meta Information:

Title: Cinemamancy
Date posted: 07 Jul '06 - 14:01
Filed under: General
Word Count: 468 words
Good Karma: 101 (vote)
Bad Karma: 88 (vote)
Next entry:  The Madness of King George's Constituents
Previous entry:  I think you overestimate how much people, as a whole, suck.

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